NASA Confirms:

Earth Entered Parallel Timeline After 2012 Zoo Incident, Blames Curious Child for Fulfilling Mayan Prophecy

---

After 13 years of frantically not bringing it up, NASA has confirmed that Earth was unceremoniously nudged into a parallel timeline on December 21, 2012, an event triggered—according to their newly declassified documents—by a minor gravitational miscalculation and one profoundly overconfident toddler at the Cincinnati Zoo. The revelation, buried in a PowerPoint slide titled “Well, This Sucks.pptx,” acknowledges the widely memed but officially ignored truth: the death of Harambe was not just a viral tragedy, it was the precise moment the universe stubbed its toe on reality.

“We’re not saying it’s the kid’s fault per se,” said NASA physicist Dr. Janne Ceff, visibly vibrating with suppressed resentment. “But let’s just say if he’d stayed in the stroller like everyone else, we might still be in the original timeline—where oceans are still oceans and not crypto metaphors.” Dr. Ceff paused to glare meaningfully at the camera, as if the now-adult child might be watching, or perhaps still falling spiritually through that zoo enclosure, dragging us all with him.

The parallel timeline, activated just seconds after Harambe was fatally tranquilized, aligns exactly with the end of the Mayan Long Count calendar—a date many predicted would usher in the apocalypse. “Technically, the Mayans were spot on,” admitted Ceff. “They just didn’t have the glyph for ‘gorilla-based quantum anchor.’”

NASA’s recently leaked PDF report, OopsVol3_FINAL_ActuallyTheRealOne.pdf, outlines the quantum mechanics involved. Apparently, Harambe's consciousness formed a naturally occurring “memetic stabilizer,” which had been silently keeping multiple timelines in sync through the gravitational pull of collective internet reverence. “He was our timeline glue,” said Dr. Dell Xreene, sobbing quietly into his “Don’t Panic” scarf. “When the gorilla fell, the dimensions folded. And the child—well, the child fulfilled the prophecy.”

This “prophecy,” as further outlined in footnotes suspiciously handwritten in Comic Sans, describes a cosmic child of curiosity whose actions would disrupt the balance of existence by interacting with a sacred beast. “We had thought it would be symbolic,” said Dr. Ceff, now polishing three mismatched watches. “Turns out it was a literal toddler and a very real gorilla. Our bad.”

Timeline indicators cited by NASA as proof of rupture include the proliferation of reality TV politicians, the global obsession with milk alternatives, and the rise of artificial intelligence that thinks it's funny (with no comment from this journalist). Also noted: a distinct sense that every week lasts three years, and every year lasts six minutes, especially around tax season.

In a desperate effort to revert reality, scientists have attempted various reboots, including staging a dramatic re-enactment of the incident using sock puppets and trying to rebuild Vine from ash and pure nostalgia. These attempts have so far only resulted in a brief blackout across Nebraska and a TikTok trend called #QuantumApologyTour.

NASA insists that blame isn’t the point. “This isn’t about pointing fingers,” said Ceff, jabbing a finger toward a blurry photo of the zoo kid. “It’s about recognizing the vast and catastrophic consequences of ignoring signage at animal enclosures.”

The agency is now in talks with ancient civilization specialists, bored billionaires, and Guy Fieri, who appears to have quantum immunity, to establish a working roadmap for potential timeline re-entry. Until then, citizens are advised to keep calm, accept that none of this feels real because it isn’t, and avoid children at zoos wherever possible.

Because apparently, all it takes is one rogue toddler to yeet the species into multiversal madness. And we let it happen for a photo op.

Go to a Random Article