Goblins Successfully Lobby for Orkish Inclusion:

Immediately Regret It After Massacre

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In a landmark moment for interspecies relations and perhaps the least successful multicultural experiment in recent history, the Central Human Dominion of Griddlevale was annihilated yesterday after a decades-long goblin assimilation campaign culminated in the formal welcoming of orks into the city’s population. While goblins had, over the years, quietly entrenched themselves in various sectors of Griddlevale society — operating artisanal sewage consultancy firms, founding avant-garde theater collectives, and opening thousands of questionably hygienic food stalls — the arrival of the orks marked a sudden and irreversible pivot toward complete annihilation.

"We just wanted to see more green representation in parliament," sniffled Glerm Ricklestomp, one of the first goblins to gain citizenship through the controversial ‘Begrudging Tolerance Act’ passed twenty-two years ago. “We spent decades shedding our reputation for cave-screeching and livestock theft. I even paid taxes. Real taxes. With coin. Not pebbles or teeth.”

Goblins, originally seen as an infestation rather than a demographic, slowly wormed their way into human society by adopting a number of superficial customs such as wearing mismatched trousers, pretending to enjoy brunch, and occasionally nodding politely in meetings. These efforts culminated in their rebranding as "Small-Bodied Forest-Affiliated Bipeds," or SB-FABs, by the Ministry of Inclusion and Utter Denial.

Many humans began to view goblins as “just quirky little fellas with a penchant for setting things on fire ironically.” Their adoption of human pastimes, like competitive pottery and emotionally manipulative memoir writing, made them internet darlings and the subjects of several award-losing documentaries.

However, tensions rose last year when the goblin-led political party “Green Tomorrow, Red Today” launched a campaign to open Griddlevale’s borders to “our big brothers in tusk, the orks,” arguing that orks had been unfairly typecast as violent, semi-verbal juggernauts with a fondness for mayhem, looting, and eating anything that blinks. “That’s just negative stereotyping,” said goblin councilor Mebs Thumblewart, shortly before being torn in half by an ork named Gromlork.

The arrival of the orks last Thursday was met with initial confusion, followed by screams, then silence, then more screams, and then what historians are calling "a seven-hour sound reminiscent of someone shaking a bag of meat inside a blacksmith’s forge." While the goblins had prepared welcome speeches, flower garlands, and a traditional awkward interpretive dance, the orks arrived in a whirlwind of axes, fire, and what one surviving witness called "enthusiastic bellowing."

The humans, caught between trying not to appear racist and trying not to be turned into hats, hesitated long enough for the orks to dismantle Griddlevale’s defenses using nothing but their foreheads. Reports from the outskirts describe a city now primarily consisting of smoldering wreckage, ossified screaming, and one suspiciously untouched brunch café where orks are said to be enjoying avocado toast with unnerving deliberation.

Meanwhile, goblins who survived the purge have expressed disappointment, confusion, and in some cases mild irritation at the outcome. “They said they’d integrate,” muttered Blib Durnlick as he loaded a wheelbarrow full of goblin remains into a pit. “We even gave them pamphlets. Pamphlets with infographics.”

The Interracial Harmony Commission has officially downgraded the Griddlevale experiment from “Promising” to “Oops,” and a new resolution has been passed requiring at least one human to scream “WAIT, IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?” before all future species integration efforts.

In the smoldering crater where Griddlevale once stood, a single ork now serves as mayor, declaring the city “technically more peaceful than ever” and promising sweeping reforms, including mandatory axe literacy and daily meat prayers.

The goblins, now scattered and unemployed, are reportedly considering infiltrating the dwarven capital of Stonegullet next. When asked if they had learned anything from this experience, one goblin sighed and said, “Yeah. No more pamphlets.”

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