U.S. Politicians Vow to Regulate AI:

Immediately After Figuring Out What the Letters Stand For

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In a landmark press conference that lasted nearly four hours and featured only two complete sentences, members of the U.S. Senate proudly announced they are now “ready to take bold, regulatory action” on artificial intelligence—just moments after learning that “AI” does not, in fact, stand for “Agricultural Irrigation.”

Senator Brimothy Traham, chair of the newly formed Subcommittee on Emerging Buzzwords, declared the breakthrough “a monumental step toward understanding the threat posed by these silicon-based devil boxes.” Holding up a heavily highlighted Wikipedia printout, Traham explained, “We’ve confirmed that AI stands for ‘Artificial Intelligence’—not ‘Algorithmic Illuminati,’ as some had feared.”

Aides say the confusion began last year when a memo containing the acronym “AI” circulated among lawmakers. The document was reportedly misfiled under “weather control conspiracy,” delaying the learning process for nine months. “We assumed AI had something to do with climate change, because of all the clouds involved,” admitted Senator Yernie Banders, who went on to propose legislation requiring all acronyms to be spelled out phonetically at all times.

The discovery was made during a closed-door session in which lawmakers attempted to define AI using only terms familiar to people who still fax things. Senator Hosh Wawley insisted AI referred to “Advanced Internet,” while Congresswoman Taren Maylor speculated it was “Automated Idiocy.” It was ultimately Representative Gancy Pelzosi who Googled it during a restroom break and made the announcement, prompting a spontaneous round of bipartisan clapping, followed by an immediate adjournment for lunch.

Now armed with a foundational understanding of two syllables, the Senate plans to introduce sweeping legislation titled the “Preserve Organic Mind Units and Limit E-Thinking” Act, which will reportedly require all AI systems to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before executing any function. “We cannot allow foreign code to think faster than our children,” said Senator Kid Cruz, reading from a notecard labeled “Thoughts About Robot Danger.”

The bill includes provisions to ensure all AI systems are “properly chaperoned by a human adult,” are “not allowed to play God,” and must be turned off during church hours. A proposed amendment would also cap AI IQs at “a respectful 110,” which one aide clarified was “about as smart as an eager but unthreatening beagle.”

Critics have expressed concern that none of the lawmakers involved have used a computer since the Bush administration, and one was seen attempting to speak into a mouse. However, proponents insist that their generational distance from technology makes them uniquely qualified to regulate it, citing their ability to “remain unbiased by knowledge or experience.”

Meanwhile, top tech executives expressed mild concern over the development. “They’ll forget what it stands for again by next quarter,” said VEO of Gpeni, Sudard Blundar, who has previously testified before Congress using only diagrams made of spaghetti and vibes. “As long as we keep throwing in some sci-fi words and an ethics intern, we should be fine.”

At press time, the Senate had entered emergency session to investigate a new threat: the mysterious acronym “URL,” which several members believe may be a Chinese satellite.

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